Today's Funny Farm Escapee. Enjoy.

[beer4life]

Gone but not Forgotten ***
Four older men stand on the first tee. Just as Ralph is about to hit his tee shot, a funeral procession drives by. Ralph takes off his hat and bows his head until the procession is finished. Once the procession is over, he puts his hat back on his head and starts to line up his shot. John and the other guys are astonished.
John says, "Ralph, we have had a standing tee time together for the past 10 years. We didn't know that you were such a sentimental guy."
Ralph says, "Hell, we were married for 25 years, it's the least I could do."

O-)

[beer4life]

Is this possible?X-D

Sara Pipalini ****
Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven where they are met by St Peter at the pearly gates. St Peter says "Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives, that I'm granting you six months to go back to Earth and be anyone you want".
The first nun says "I want to be Sophia Loren" and POOF she's gone.
The second says "I want to be Madonna" and POOF she's gone.
The third says "I want to be Sara Pipalini".
St Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.
"Sara Pipalini" replies the nun.
St Peter shakes his head and says "I'm sorry, that name just doesn't ring a bell."
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says "No Sister, this says 'Sahara Pipeline laid by 500 men'!"

[urmans]

President Bush, Donald Rumsfeld and Condeliza Rice are sitting in a bar.
A guy walks in and asks the bartender, "Isn't that Bush, Rumsfeld and Rice sitting over there?"

Bartender says, "Yep, that's them."

So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?"

Bush says, "We're planning another big war ".

And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"

Rumsfeld says, "Well, we're going to kill 40 million Iranis this time and one bicycle repairman."

The guy exclaimed, "A bicycle repairman? Why kill a bicycle repairman?

Bush turns to Rice, wink on her and says, "See, smartie lady?! I told you no one would worry about the 40 millions Iranis!"

[beer4life]

Must have been a guided "Muscle". X-D
Japanese Torpedo ***
During the World War II, an American warship was attacked by the Japanese. A torpedo was heading towards the ship and a hit seemed inevitable. So the captain told the navigator to go down to the crew quarters and tell a joke or something - at least they would die laughing.
The navigator went down and said to the crew, "What would you think if I could split the whole ship in two by hitting my dick against the table?"
The crew burst laughing. So the navigator pulled his dick out and whammed it on the table. Just when the dick hit the table, a huge explosion tore the ship apart.
The only survivors were the captain and the navigator. As they floated around in a lifeboat captain asked the navigator, "Well, the crew really laughed. What did you do?"
The navigator told him how he hit his dick against the table.
The captain replied, "Well, in the future you better be careful with that dick of yours. The torpedo missed!"

[mundo]

The below are valid reasons as to why drinking should be allowed at work. If you use them wisely, you may even be able to convince your boss into allowing alcohol.

1. It's an incentive to show up.

2. It reduces stress.

3. It leads to more honest communications.

4. It reduces complaints about low pay.

5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.

6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.

7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.

8. It encourages carpooling.

9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care.

10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

11. It makes fellow employees look better.

12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.

14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

15. If someone does something stupid on the job, it will be quickly forgotten.

X-D X-D

[beer4life]

The easy way out, beats vascetomy!


A Salesman and the Farmer's Wife ***
A farmer came home late one night and caught a travelling salesman in bed with his wife. The farmer knocked the travelling salesman cold and when he came to, he discovered himself in the barn, where the farmer had tightly clamped his penis in a big vice, nailed to the bench, and the handle to the vice was gone!
Looking around, he saw the farmer was sharpening a large knife. "Ye gods, you're not going to cut it off!" cried the salesman. "No," said the farmer; "You can do that yourself while I'm setting the barn on fire!"

[urmans]

My girlfriend is out in the car

A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car. The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he saw the man's friend, Dave, and his girlfriend kissing one another. The bartender shook his head and walked back inside.

He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend. The fellow staggered outside to the car, saw his buddy and his girlfriend kissing, then walked back into the bar laughing.

"What's so funny?" the bartender asked.

"That stupid Dave!" the fellow chortled, "He's so drunk, he thinks he's me!"

BeSt rEgaRds,
urmans.

[beer4life]

Why not the Lover? ****
"So let me get this straight," the prosecutor says to the defendant, "you came home from work early and found your wife in bed with a strange man."
"That's correct," says the defendant.
"Upon which," continues the prosecutor, "you take out a pistol and shoot your wife, killing her."
"That's correct," says the defendant.
"Then my question to you is, why did you shoot your wife and not her lover?" asked the prosecutor.
"It seemed easier," replied the defendant, "than shooting a different man every day!"

[mundo]

A man walks into a nightclub one night. He goes up to the bar and asks
for a beer.

"Certainly, Sir, that'll be 1 cent." "One Cent?", exclaimed the man. So
the man glances over at the menu and asks, "Could I have a nice juicy
T-bone steak, with chips, peas and a fried egg?" "Certainly Sir,"
replies the barman, "but that comes to real money." "How much money?"
inquires the man.
"4 cents," the bartender replied. "Four Cents", exclaimed the man.
"Where's the guy who owns this place?" The bartender! replied the man,
"Upstairs, with my wife." The man says,"What's he doing upstairs with
your wife?"
The bartender replied, "The same thing as I'm doing to his business.

[Notorious]

Little Johnny's father decided it was time for 17-year-old Little Johnny, to learn the facts of life.
He takes him to the local house of ill repute, which is fronted by a beauty parlor. He introduces Little Johnny to the madam, and explains that it's time for his indoctrination to sex.
The madam says, "You've been such a good customer over the years, I'm going to see to this personally."
So she takes Little Johnny by the hand and leads him upstairs, where she completes his deflowering.
Later, as they are walking downstairs the madam says, "Since this is your first time, I'm going to see that you get the full treatment before you leave. I'm going to give you a manicure."
Two weeks later Little Johnny and his father run into the madam on the main street. Little Johnny is acting a little shy, so the madam smiles and says, "Well, Little Johnny, don't you remember me?"
"Yes, Ma'am," Little Johnny stammers, "you're the lady that gave me the crabs and then cut off my fingernails so I couldn't scratch 'em."