Today's Funny Farm Escapee. Enjoy.

[Notorious]

I was refering to this in my previous post.. I couldn't find a edit button..

[beer4life]

G'Day all, may be absent for a while, going over to rescue this unfortunate victim of terrorism. May be a while, and NO, I don't need any assistance. Thanks for the offer anyway.
Very Kindest Regards, Bill. (Let the rest of the TEAM look after themselves).

Subject: Fw: Iraqi Kidnapping - Caution this is not nice - read text first

Beware this is not nice - Read Text first.

A warning to all who are looking at travelling to the middle east. Is
the money really worth it?? According to a leading Arab TV station, yet
another US journalist has been kidnapped in Iraq. The following message with his own words was transmitted by the media on Sunday:

"I have been kidnapped by militants in Iraq . I doubt I will ever be
able to return to the states. Even if things get real nasty and I suffer
inevitable torture, DO NOT pay any ransom money or attempt a rescue
operation. America does not deal with terrorists. Tell my wife and kids I
love them."
This victim (who's name could not be published) is a man of exceptional
courage.
Attached is a photo of him with his kidnappers.

[paul price]

How do you get a fat lady in bed?

Strictly a piece of cake............

[beer4life]

We do need a pure, clean mind for this!!!

The Turtle club is a disorganized group of people who have successfully answered three questions from a list of about twenty-five possible qualifying questions. The questions suggest a vulgar, lewd, or salacious answer, but the actual correct answer is rather innocuous. Once inducted, a member must reply to the question, "Are you a turtle?" with the answer, "You bet your sweet ass I am." In this answer, the "ass" is an equine of good disposition, in accordance with the innocence to the qualifying questions. The origin of this group supposedly goes back to World War II fighter pilots as a way to amuse themselves while relaxing with a cool drink between missions.
[edit]

Popular qualifying questions

1. What does a woman do sitting down, that a dog does on three legs, and a man does standing up?
2. What is long and tubular and filled with "See-men?"
3. What is a word heard almost every day that rhymes with "duck" and begins with "F?"
4. What does a cow have four of, that a woman only has two of?
5. What is both rounded and hard and sticks so far out of a man's pajamas you can hang your hat on it?
6. What Does a dog do that a man steps into?
7. What goes in hard and dry and comes out flaccid and moist?
8. What is a four letter word, ending with "K," that means intercourse?

[edit]

Hints to the solutions:

1. The common way people greet each other in the West.
2. A boat that can submerge.
3. A vehicle you want to see if your house is on fire.
4. Quadripeds have four.
5. Where ears are located.
6. Dogs bury bones this way.
7. A commonly used chewable substance.
8. Speaking to someone.

Kindest Regards, Bill and the FunFiles Team.

[Multipass]

The Penis


I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

1. I do physical labour.

2. I work at great depths.

3. I plunge head first into everything I do.

4. I do not get weekends or public holidays off.

5. I don't get paid overtime.

6. I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.

7. I work in high temperatures.

8. My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Dear Penis,
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

1. You do not work 8 hours straight.

2. You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods.

3. You do not always follow the orders of the management team.

4. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other Locations.

5. You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.

6. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.

7. You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.

8. You will retire well before you are 65.

9. You are unable to work double shifts.

10. You sometimes leave your designated work before you have completed the assigned task.

11. And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious looking bags.

Sincerely, The Management

[Power Bank]

Brilliant
Ever green laughter
Power Bank

[urmans]

SEVEN THINGS THAT AN EMPLOYEE NEVER TELLS HIS BOSS


1. Do your best to keep me late. I like the office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do.

2. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. Leaks like that could get me a promotion.

3. If you don’t like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations.

4. If you have special instructions for a job, don’t write them down. If fact, save them until the job is almost done.

5. Never introduce me to the people you’re with. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

6. Be nice to me only when the job I’m doing for you could really change your life.

7. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it’s nice to know someone is less fortunate.

[urmans]

TITLE: School 1967 vs. School 2007

-TOPIC 1: Jack goes quail hunting before school, pulls into school parking lot with shotgun in gun rack.

(in)1967 - Vice principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his own shotgun to show Jack.

(in)2007 - School goes into lockdown, the FBI is called, Jack is hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors are called in to assist traumatized students and teachers.


-TOPIC 2: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.

1967 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.

2007 - Police are called, SWAT team arrives and arrests Johnny and Mark. They are charged with assault and both are expelled even though Johnny started it.


-TOPIC 3: Jeffrey won't sit still in class, disrupts other students.

1967 - Jeffrey is sent to the principal's office and given a good paddling. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class
again.

2007 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra state funding because Jeffrey has a disability.


-TOPIC 4: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

1967 -Dad pays for window, Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, >goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse and is sued for 1 million dollars. >Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells >Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to >prison.-Billy's mom has an affair with the psychologist.


-TOPIC 5: Mark gets a headache and takes some Aspirin to school.

1967 - Mark shares Aspirin with the school principal out on the smoking dock.

2007 - Police are called and Mark is expelled from School for drug violations. His car is searched for drugs and weapons.


-TOPIC 6: Pedro fails high-school English.

1967 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.

2007 - Pedro's cause is taken up by local human rights group. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that making English a requirement for graduation is racist. US Civil Liberties Association files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English is banned from core curriculum. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.


-TOPIC 7: Johnny takes apart left over Independence Day fire-crackers, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up an ant hill.

1967 - Everybody applause, Sadly some Ant died

2007 - Homeland Security and the FBI are called and Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. teams investigate parents, siblings are removed from the home, computers are confiscated, and Johnny's dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.


-TOPIC 8: Johnny falls during recess and scrapes his knee. His teacher, Mary, finds him crying, and gives him a hug to comfort him.

1967 - Johnny soon feels better and goes back to playing.

2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces three years in federal prison. Johnny undergoes five years of therapy.